Midst of Heaven and Hell
by Ersuela
Summary: R for VERY strong language. My last story in the Sailormoon catergory. After Chibiusa was killed Hotaru moved to New York. Two years later all the senshi besides her, Setsuna and Makoto are dead. Slight crossover. PLEASE read!


A.N: This is my goodbye to the Sailormoon category. For years I have written and read Bishoujo Senshi Serraa Muun fanfiction, and for years I adored them and the anime itself. I'm afraid I just don't have the heart anymore to complete any more of the fanfictions based on Sailormoon, as I just don't seem to be very interested in it anymore. Don't get me wrong, I will always love Sailormoon, but I just don't believe I can put my best into any of the fanfictions that I write anymore. Anyway, this is based mainly on Hotaru, duh, but focuses alot on the other senshi.   
  
Disclaimer: Sailormoon and the song 'Duck and Run' doesn't belong to me.   
  
WARNING: Slight crossover, you may not even know who these two people are. But it DOES and I repeat DOES have slight shouen-ai in it.   
  
Midst of Heaven and Hell  
By SaturnsFirefly  
  
Its funny, you know? When you think you can be so dedicated to something, that your really just fooling yourself into thinking you are? I thought being the senshi of death, destruction and rebirth would give me more power, in strength and mind, but alas, it has only led me to destruction. The first day my beloved glaive was rested into the palm of my hand, I felt the sudden need to kill all whom tried to reign war down onto my city or stepped in my way. I loved the glaive, I loved it so much, and it gave me the ability to do things I never would've dreamed of doing before. But yet now, as I lay here on my apartment bed, the thick bed cover offering warmth, but on the inside my body was screaming with the feeling of absolute iciness that would never go away.  
  
  
I had left Tokyo a few years back...that year that everything and everyone seemed to blow up in my face. I made a simple and stupid mistake, I thought I could handle the youma, I really did. But it turns that I couldn't. I had dodged the claw that it kept flinging at me, barely missing it every time. After around ten minutes of dodging it, the other senshi had shown up trying to help me, but I only told them to back off, that I could 'handle' it. Chibiusa got too near to the youma and me, she wanted to help me so badly. And I didn't see her when I dodged the last claw, I didn't notice that it was heading straight for her. Didn't see that she stood paralyzed to the ground, didn't see it piercing through her skin. But I heard her screams, heard her cries of anguish and as I turned around, I saw what had happened. She died a minute after the claw had entered her stomach, died because of me. All because of me...and the rest of the senshi knew it and hated me for it. They told me I should leave, that I should've at least acknowledged that the future princess of the moon was behind me. Of course, they were right...and I left Tokyo never glancing back.  
  
I never went to Chibiusa's funeral, figuring I was not welcome there and didn't want to waste the money in flying back to Japan. Two years since I have been there, seen the sights...a year ago I heard all of the senshi were dead besides Haruka, Setsuna and Makoto. Shortly afterwards I was told that Haruka had killed herself, gone mad that her only love was dead. So now there is only three of us, not enough to protect this fucked up world from anything. Japan, I was told, was the reigned territory of evil, and whoever went there would immediately regret it, being killed by youma's and such. The rest of the world was slowly shriveling away as well, wars broke out everywhere, and killing and stealing become much more common. Every time you turned the corner someone is trying to sell you drugs or mugging you. Sometimes I think that maybe if I hadn't left Tokyo, maybe if I had ignored the senshi everything would be better. But I doubted that. Tokyo was just one big time bomb ready to explode, and then one day, even if I was there at the time...it was going to destruct.   
  
  
:::To this world I'm unimportant:::   
:::Just because I have nothing to give:::  
:::So you call this your free country:::  
:::Tell me why it costs so much to live:::  
  
  
I sighed, crawling out of bed. It was impossible to sleep right now, not with so many broken memories clouding my mind. I needed some air or something. Pulling on some jeans and a tee shirt with my trench coat over it, I grabbed my cigarettes and AMT Backup pistol, heading out of the room. It was cold outside, but I didn't mind it, I liked it better when it was cold. Not that it was ever sunny or warm. That was strange to me, that it always happened to be cold weather and nothing ever tropical or something like that. Stuffing my hands in my pockets, I walked down the crumbling cement sidewalk. I probably looked like shit, I thought, all though I doubted that as well. I never seemed to look bad, save some times when I was drunk or high on something. You hardly saw anyone wear light or happy colors around New York City, the main color would have to be black. In this city all you saw anymore was druggies or drug dealers or something along those lines. As for me? I stole, bought illegal drugs, shit like that. I got into fights, sure, but I never went so far as to killing someone. Even though I carried around this damned pistol, I would never kill a living, breathing thing. No, not again.  
  
My mind shifted back to the past, and I didn't seem to have any control over it. Back to all the fights with everyone, all the screaming and endless crying at the senshi. They never did love me or even liked me, I saw it in their eyes. Saw the distrust and hatred, so what choice did I have? Hell, if someone pisses me off, I'm damn sure I'm not gonna stand there and take it. I'll hit them back ten times worse than what they did to me. I wouldn't tolerate any kind of stuff such as that, I just would NOT take it. So that's why they all started to back off, leave me alone but still hanging along to start rumors and yell and curse at me. Chibiusa was the only one to even consider still being my friend, God, she was my only friend. And yet, I was the reason she was killed...and I didn't cry, in fact, I felt no pain or grief at all. What kind of horrible person am I not to feel any kind of sadness over my best friends' loss? Deaths bitch, is what I say.  
  
I had tried being the senshi' friend at first, and they accepted me. But when I started acting different, when I changed into the person I am today, they threw me back out. They hated me, they all hated me, including Haruka and Michiru. The only reason they took me in was for mere pity, and as for Setsuna? She doesn't care about me, she might not hate me, but she doesn't care. She is the 'type' of person to care about someone. And that's why her and I got along to well, cause we never cared. But even though we weren't exactly friends, I felt so betrayed when she looked at me with glaring, accusing eyes at Chibiusa's death. She didn't even like Chibiusa, despite the act she put on while she was there, and yet she was blaming it all on me. Just like all the rest of them were, yes, its all my fault. Let's blame it on the dark-haired fallen angel of Lucifer, I mean after all, she is death, isn't she?   
  
:::Tell me why and:::  
:::This world can turn me down:::  
:::But I won't turn away:::  
:::Oh no:::  
  
Sighing, I tilted my heard to the starless sky and the moon that refused to come out from behind the misty clouds. I loved the night, it was so free and mysterious and I could loose myself in staring at the blank sky spreading out miles over me. It was like I was going to be sucked into this pit of blackness and never return, but alas, I do not. Only silly, wishful dreaming, pitiful to even waste a breath on. I heard a dry laugh across the street, pausing I looked over, eyes resting on a tall blonde with startling and beautiful blue eyes, and another one only shorter and had cinnamon colored spikes and bitter chocolate brown eyes. They were both leaning against a brick wall of some building, and the blonde was smoking while the other one just leaned against him.  
  
"They seem like an interesting pair," I muttered, deciding if I could talk to them for just a bit. It get so unbearably boring just walking by yourself.  
  
I crossed the street, approaching them coolly. The only way to get respect around here is act like you're well handled and not afraid of a challenge. The brown-eyed boy looked at me for several moments, taking in my tall form, amethyst eyes and dark hair that had grown quite long, but I always kept it in a braid. The blonde took a last drag on his cigarette before throwing it on the ground, crushing it with his foot. He also skimmed me over, pale slender arms folded over his chest.  
  
Finally the cinnamon haired boy nodded me, a smirk playing on those pouty lips, "Hey," He greeted.  
  
I stopped in front of the two, nodding back, "Konnichi wa."  
  
The blonde tiled an eyebrow, "Konnichi wa..." He trailed off and I quickly filled in.  
  
"Tomoe Hotaru,"  
  
"Tomoe-san," He finished, he paused before adding, "Names' Yama, the short one is Dai."  
  
An elegant eyebrow shot up at this, as the brown haired boy looked up at his partner, mouthing the names he had given them, but quickly shook it off. I noticed this, but didn't pay much attention to it. If they didn't want to give me their real names, that was fine. They had all the reason not to trust me, anyway.  
  
:::All my work and endless measures:::   
:::Never seem to get me very far:::  
:::Walk a mile just to move an inch now:::  
:::Even though I'm trying so damn hard:::  
  
"So, are you new here or something?" Dai asked suddenly, "Haven't seen you around at all."  
  
"No, I've been here for a good time," I responded, "I just don't get out much, is all."  
  
"Yeah, well, I suppose we all don't get out very much," Yama mumbled, not really making any sense to me, but I chose to ignore that, too.  
  
There was silence for several moments, and I questioned the two of the question that had been on my mind for the past several minutes, "Are you two from Japan?"  
  
Yama shifted his weight uncomfortably, shrugging, "Yeah. From Odaiba and you?"  
  
"Tokyo, supposedly its the main reign of evil there," They rolled their eyes at this, snickering, "What? Its true."  
  
"We know that..." Dai shook his head, "Nevermind. You wouldn't understand if we told you anyway."  
  
I opened my mouth to object, but decided against it. The silence took over again, and I looked from the two bishonens, to the sky and then to the ground. Coughing nervously, I backed away, glancing behind me, "I suppose I should get going. I got...things to do."  
  
Yama nodded, "Okay. Maybe we'll see you around, ne, Tomoe-san?"  
  
I smiled softly, knowing that I would most definitely not see them again, "Yeah. Sure, Yama-san. Bye you two." Turning around I crossed back over the street, heading back to my apartment. My little chat with 'Dai' and 'Yama' didn't really exceed in my excitement, just kept me from going mad with talking to myself. Both of them had this look of complete betrayal and pain in their eyes, which startled me for it seemed so strong. I shrugged it off, it was probably nothing and it wasn't my business to be digging into anyway. Seemed like such two nice young men, I just hoped they would find what they were looking for in life...instead of failing like I had.  
  
:::When everything is gone there's:::  
:::Nothing there to fear:::  
:::I'm already here:::  
:::Down on my knees:::  
:::I'm already here:::  
:::Oh no:::  
:::I must've told you a thousand times:::  
:::I'm not running away::::  
  
Everything was too much for me to handle, too much pain for me to bear. I may have lived and breathed, pretending all was right with the world but underneath there was nothing left of me but a small piece of life slowly dying away. With that talk, it seemed to have taken away all the humanity out of me. The memories came flooding back again, stronger then past ones and I almost had to bite down to keep from crying out. I had fallen, and I had risen but this time I have fallen and cannot get up. The abyss of my heart slowly takes me deeper and deeper into my own little alyssum. I wasn't going to do it anymore, I wasn't going to kneel before earth and offer everything I had to it. Wasn't going to hold my life before it, but was going to let it parish beneath the arctic winds and onto blood stained snow.  
  
I yanked open the door to my apartment, and went straight towards the back closet. I dug around in it for a few moments before coming back out with a small wooden box. Taking the necklace that hung from my neck, I removed the key from it, unlocking the box and opening it to reveal the precious object that laid inside. It was still clean and smooth, not a dent in the wooden object as I flipped it over from hand to hand. The sign of Saturn gleamed smoothly over the little light coming from the lamp and I pressed my henshin stick against my chest. Thoughts from previous battles came back to me, all the blood shedding, all the pain...all the lies and screams of anger. All because of this little object that use to mean so much to me. I stood up with my henshin stick still clasped in my trembling hand, held to my aching heart.  
  
The memories washed over again, the cries of Chibiusa...the tears Usagi had shed when she died moments later, the angry eyes that bore into my mind. With the precious object in my hand, and the pistol still safely tucked away I left my apartment again, wandering off once more. I seemed to walk forever before I came to a stop where a wide clearing was followed by a temple. My boots made imprints in the snow as I moved across the clearing, stopping in the middle of it. No one was around here, most of them probably asleep like normal people would be. But I wasn't normal...was far from normal.  
  
:::I won't duck and run:::  
:::I won't duck and run:::  
:::I won't duck and run:::   
:::No I pass away:::  
  
I removed my pistol from the halter, staring at it for several minutes but not really seeming to see it. It had begun to snow again, I noted, the snow pouring itself down by the pound. Only three left, only three left, only three left....three, just three. One less wouldn't make a difference, the world was already doomed for damnation in the first place.   
  
Slowly I raised the pistol to my head, not fearing death for death was apart of me. It wouldn't make a difference right, I would only come back once more as a baby. I would only fucking come back, just like the rest of the fucking times I just wouldn't fucking die and stay dead. Because God had to be such a goddamn ass and not send me to hell where I fucking belong. Hate coursed through my veins, hate for God, hate for the world, and hate for everything I fucking belonged and stood for. It just wasn't fair, nothing was fair anymore, I didn't have to be goddamn death, I didn't have to be....  
  
(A.N: Oooh, I used a naughty word four times in a paragraph.)  
  
:::This world can turn me down but:::  
:::I won't turn away:::  
:::And I won't duck and run, cause:::  
:::I'm not built that way:::  
:::When everything is gone there is:::  
:::Nothing there to fear:::  
:::This world cannot bring me down:::  
:::No cause I'm already here:::  
  
I hated myself even more for doing this...resorting to suicide, it was an option of the weak. But I didn't really have anything to die for, since nothing on this planet means shit to me. I bet Setsuna's somewhere watching me, watching me do this, watching me give up, probably laughing. I hope you're fucking happy, Sets-chan, because it's all over for me. I cursed that dumb bitch and the way that she never seemed to laugh, but always had that cruel amusing look in those chilling magenta eyes. I hate her, I fucking hate her.  
  
Angrily, I cocked the pistol, know to die with so much rage and frustration wasn't the best way to die. But I didn't care, I didn't care about anything or myself or the way I felt when I died. So, when I did die I would only be in the midsts of life and death before God flung me back onto this pitiful planet. Hope suddenly sparked, but maybe he would actually be nice and let me be. Ha! I doubted it, he would much rather have me on Earth than in heaven. I don't understand why he won't send me to hell though...probably cause Lucifer won't take me, the fucking prick.  
  
:::This world can turn me down, but:::  
:::I won't turn away:::  
:::And I won't duck and run,:::  
:::Cause I'm not built that way:::  
:::When everything is gone there:::  
:::Is nothing there to fear:::  
:::This world cannot:::  
:::Bring me down:::  
:::No cause I'm already here:::  
  
I had to stop thinking of that, I just had to get over with before I went mad. Clutching the trigger, I glared at the sky above me, at the moon that had seemed to come out from nowhere. It shone down on me, washing the scene with silver rays and making the snow sparkle. Soon, it would be sparkling with red above it, I thought. Now, there would only be two left: Setsuna and Makoto. How long they will live, I don't know, not that I care in the first place. Goodbye world, goodbye Makoto, goodbye Setsuna, goodbye my fucking life. With a swift movement I pulled the trigger back and everything went black.  
  
***  
Change to Reader's POV.  
***  
  
The icy, arctic air was still silent even when the gunshot was fire, even when Hotaru fell to snow, even when the blood pooled out onto the snow, looking so very wrong. The silence was held for what seemed like an eternity to some, before quiet, light footsteps made their way over the field. The figure had a cloak over their head, blocking the view of the face, but dark hands clutched at the outside of the cloak to keep it about her.  
  
The figure knelt beside the dark haired girl, reaching out and stroking the black hair. Tears dripped onto the pale face, rolling off her cheeks and down her neck, before disappearing on her shoulder.   
  
"Oh firefly, poor mislead firefly," The figure whispered, resembling the voice of a woman, "So naive, you were, simply so naive. Full of hate and terrible anger that you punished the world with. You must not of heard that Makoto died four weeks ago while on a plane and that Setsuna never came back from the gates of time...you left me alone, firefly. Well, it's not like you knew I was here, but still...I'm alone. All alone..."  
  
The woman let out a weary sigh, standing up and turning away. She paused before making her way into the darkness of the night, the snowstorm growing, seeming to swallow her. Still clutched in Hotaru's hand was her henshin stick, but another thing lay beside it...a lock of black hair.  
  
~*~OWARI~*~  
  
End Notes: Betcha' can't guess who it is! I can tell you one thing, though, it's not Rei. R/R please! This is my last story and then I'll be out of this category for good. Make a retiring gal happy, okay? And can you figure out who Dai and Yama are? Probably not, but hell I tried.  
  
By the way, just for a backup, I have been writing Sailormoon fanfictions for almost four years. I started when I was ten, not very good mind you, but I think I have grown alot in strength in writing since then, and am very proud of some of my work. As for my reviewers, I love you guys, you are the most coolest people in the world and you really inspire me to keep writing. I hope some of you continue to read my work if what I move on to, you know what it is. I just think it's time for me to stop writing about Sailormoon and maybe I'll be able to improve my skills even more.  
  
This story is dedicated to all the fans of my writing (Ha!) and to the rest of the reviewers and people who gave me advice. You guys are so awsome and everything I have written over Sailormoon is all for you. Love ya'll!  
  
}i{SaturnsFirefly}i{ 


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